White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
