New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
