I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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