She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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