I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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