apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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