Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
