I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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