hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
