how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
