I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
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I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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