i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
