Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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