Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I understand Curling. That high.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
