i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
