the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
