I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
