a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
