After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
