I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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