I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My liver just had a heart attack.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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