He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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