I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
