Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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