I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
