Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
