Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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