I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
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We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
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I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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