I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
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Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
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Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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