If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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