Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Everything about him screamed your future.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
