dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
