I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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