Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
