apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
