Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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