I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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