Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
