who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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