Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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