sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
