a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
