Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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