I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize
