I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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