I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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