Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
