i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
did i walk over a car last night?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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