I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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