I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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