Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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