so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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