I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
