One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
